My Life ---

Thursday, June 28, 2007


You know, when you start to fall in love, you usually blind of your surroundings. And that’s natural, I’ve been there before, and perhaps, you have been there before too. It doesn’t matter what others might think, you just wanted to be with your partner. And that’s also natural.

I, were among those people. Who would think that my partner is so perfect, - oh well, ok, perhaps not too perfect – but at least, he was the only one I can think, dream and talk about. But did you know that perhaps your friends are sick and tired of listening to you how your partner do this and that, while they are trying to say, that perhaps your partner is not THAT perfect? Oh, perhaps you would listen to them. But have you been REALLY listened to your friends? I guess not. You would think that your friends were jealous of you, cos you found someone that they wish they’d had. Don’t be embarrased. Cos I have been there too. Even when your friends told you that your partner doesn’t deserve you, or even you don’t deserve them, you wouldn’t listen to them, would you?

I am so blessed to have such wonderful friends, who really I can trust. Who I can rely on, when I have so many things on my life. Even love life. They stood by me, along these years, to warn me, to listen what I have to say, even sometimes, I don’t listen hard to what they were saying. Such typical of among us, I suppose.

My best friends, told me to get out of a taboo love. And I don’t bother to hear them. All I can think was him, how much he loved me, and so on. But sometimes, when I am alone, - usually at night- I stood still, trying to remember what they have been saying. And I guess they were right. My last partner was a guy who I’ve known for YEARS. Yeah, right, years. He was a friend of my school mate who I accidently met years ago. It was in the year of 1995. I was still in Senior High School at that time. Oh, he was amazing, he played guitar, he sometimes played a song and sing along with me. And I finally found out that he has a crush on me. While I had a steady boyfriend at that time. So when he asked me out, as a natural girl who had a boyfriend and trying to keep her words, I refuse. And that was it. I never heard of him untill it was like in the year of 2005. I just got back from out of city. After my mum passed away, I got carried away, I ‘ran’ from my hometown, trying to be independent and forgot the whole thing. I managed for couple of years, then I met a guy. A fascinating guy, I might say. He brought me rainbows in my life. And that’s what I called him, Rainbow. I fell deeply in care with this guy. No, it’s not love at all, but it was a respect and honorable care. Then you might have guessed it, he found another girl. Then the love dissapear from my life. I got hurt. And of course, so sick and tired of the word ‘love’. My Rainbow, the guy I have been seeing has turn out to be a man who has no responsibility what so ever. But, as much as I respect him, we are still friends, untill now.

Anyway, back from that gloomy years, I found that old friend. He was married and has a daughter. I thought to my self, well, I couldn’t be possibly liked him, wouldn’t I? Ha! I was wrong. When he showerd me the love, I got so carried away. He was then the man that I respect and I didn’t wanted to loose that tenderness and love he showed me. He was there when I needed him, he was there when I just wanted to get out of my horrible life. He was there. So, can you blame me for being in love with him? No, it’s not love at all. It was a need. I grew dependent on him. All I wanted was to have his love much longer, even I know how it could hurt me.

Life has been so mean to me. All those troubles, all those hurts, sometimes I wonder how I can laugh or even smile. I thought I can cope with another hurt. Have you ever heard of this? When a person has been hurt so many times, he can absolutly ignored another hurt in his life. Well, that’s me. I thought I can ignore the hurt. But unfortunately, I can’t. Along those years, yes, years! I was able to settle down my heart. I am not hoping for him to carry me away and marry him. NO. I just wanted to be happy. For once in my life. But who am I kidding? I cried nights just imagining him with his wife, while I am sleeping alone in the darkness of my room. What have I done to deserve this? All I wanted just to be happy... to feel love when I need it. To feel how it’s like to be loved and needed at the same time. Even when I don’t feel the love I should have feel.

It was in the first month of this year, when I realise that I can not do this anymore. All those painful life should dissapear. I have to be stronger, for my own sake. And I did. I tried to hate him, tried to find some mistakes on him that would help me to forget him. You see, it was 2 whole years after I met him and this feeling to own him was getting stronger. Not love. Just wanting how its like to be owned and own what should be mine. I have realised that I couldn’t own him. No matter what I tried, no matter what I do. But I know deep down inside, that he was NOT the man I wanted to fill my whole life.

Oh, I tried for months. And still, I couldn’t forget him. He was still there, no matter how I tried. Then a friend told me it’s easier when I found someone else. For once, I listened to my friend. And perhaps, She was right. Perhaps it is easier. But how can I found someone else, when I know that I couldn’t feel love anymore?

Then one day, a guy sprung out of no where. He was a descent man. He has also been hurt in his life. We shared thoughts. We shared conversation. I tried to ignore him, because I couldn’t definitly used him to forget my last partner, right? And I did ignored him.

Luckily, a guy friend asked me to have a vacation with him. I barely knew him. But we have known each other for years, only by conversation and met two or three times. He was mature. And he didn’t want another relationship in his life. So there I was, spending ten whole days with him and his friend. Had a great time. Then my married partner thought I had sex with this mature guy. It was very annoying. There was it. I found something to hate him at last. The accusing, the disturbing words which came from his mouth, came through my heart. For once, I knew how to get rid of him. I got hurt by his words. Finally, I am through him. AT LAST.

Ah, the man I ignored? :) Well, he is still being nice to me. How can I ignore a nice guy? Would you? The longer I knew him, the more I couldn’t resist him. A man, once again, turn my world up side down. I don’t know when or how, or even when this will last. I am just a girl, who needed love and affection, and he was the man who can give me those. Even we once told eachother that we don’t want another love, we grew to like eachother. We still shared conversation that makes us doesn’t want to be far from each other. Then we knew, that this is love. Yep, after a while. I, once again, knew what love is. It took me ages to define love. But at least, this feeling was true. We started a commitment. We didn’t want to get hurt again. Not by the word L.O.V.E. So, we just agreed to take this feeling one step at the time, and enjoy it while we can. Oh, I know it’s just for weeks, but hey, perhaps I can hope again.

And you know what? I owe this to a friend of mine. A dear friend of mine, who never got tired of me. A girl who also been trying to find her own love. A girl who has so much similar life with me. Because she was right. It is easier to forget someone who hurts you by finding someone else. For once, I knew I was doing the right thing. Listening. Perhaps you should do the same.

Some people might say, I am a trouble maker, well, perhaps I am. Some people might say, I am a looser, well, perhaps I am. But I am lucky to have a friend like her. I am lucky to have friends to support me when I needed them to. You can not trade a friend for anything in the world. Not even gold or money, or even the planet world itself. I owe her that much.

As I was saying, I am blessed. Even how hard the life could be, even how you feel like you wanted to get out of this life, friends are all you have, eventually. Its hard to find a friend. That we know. Perhaps we have so many friends.. oh, perhaps your friends are a lot better than mine. But will they listen to you, or would you listen to them? Would they stick by your side when you needed a hand? My friends do. Thats why I am lucky. That’s why I grew stronger. People say you should choose your friends. No, they chose you to be their friends. That’s nature. I have only few friends in this world that I can call them “Friends”. Real friends. And I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world. Even if I have to sell my soul to the devil himself.

My friends kept me strong, they make me feel needed. And of course loved. Aren’t I lucky? :) And all I did was to listen. That isn’t hard to do, right? Perhaps you should try my advice. Listen harder to your friends. Then you could be their friends and have a wonderful life. Like mine. It will only take several minutes to listen. You don’t have to open your wallet to do it. As simple as that.

For my friends that has been there beside me, for all those years, Yes, YEARS, Thank you. You have brought sunshine to my world. And I love you for it.