My Life ---

Thursday, June 28, 2007


You know, when you start to fall in love, you usually blind of your surroundings. And that’s natural, I’ve been there before, and perhaps, you have been there before too. It doesn’t matter what others might think, you just wanted to be with your partner. And that’s also natural.

I, were among those people. Who would think that my partner is so perfect, - oh well, ok, perhaps not too perfect – but at least, he was the only one I can think, dream and talk about. But did you know that perhaps your friends are sick and tired of listening to you how your partner do this and that, while they are trying to say, that perhaps your partner is not THAT perfect? Oh, perhaps you would listen to them. But have you been REALLY listened to your friends? I guess not. You would think that your friends were jealous of you, cos you found someone that they wish they’d had. Don’t be embarrased. Cos I have been there too. Even when your friends told you that your partner doesn’t deserve you, or even you don’t deserve them, you wouldn’t listen to them, would you?

I am so blessed to have such wonderful friends, who really I can trust. Who I can rely on, when I have so many things on my life. Even love life. They stood by me, along these years, to warn me, to listen what I have to say, even sometimes, I don’t listen hard to what they were saying. Such typical of among us, I suppose.

My best friends, told me to get out of a taboo love. And I don’t bother to hear them. All I can think was him, how much he loved me, and so on. But sometimes, when I am alone, - usually at night- I stood still, trying to remember what they have been saying. And I guess they were right. My last partner was a guy who I’ve known for YEARS. Yeah, right, years. He was a friend of my school mate who I accidently met years ago. It was in the year of 1995. I was still in Senior High School at that time. Oh, he was amazing, he played guitar, he sometimes played a song and sing along with me. And I finally found out that he has a crush on me. While I had a steady boyfriend at that time. So when he asked me out, as a natural girl who had a boyfriend and trying to keep her words, I refuse. And that was it. I never heard of him untill it was like in the year of 2005. I just got back from out of city. After my mum passed away, I got carried away, I ‘ran’ from my hometown, trying to be independent and forgot the whole thing. I managed for couple of years, then I met a guy. A fascinating guy, I might say. He brought me rainbows in my life. And that’s what I called him, Rainbow. I fell deeply in care with this guy. No, it’s not love at all, but it was a respect and honorable care. Then you might have guessed it, he found another girl. Then the love dissapear from my life. I got hurt. And of course, so sick and tired of the word ‘love’. My Rainbow, the guy I have been seeing has turn out to be a man who has no responsibility what so ever. But, as much as I respect him, we are still friends, untill now.

Anyway, back from that gloomy years, I found that old friend. He was married and has a daughter. I thought to my self, well, I couldn’t be possibly liked him, wouldn’t I? Ha! I was wrong. When he showerd me the love, I got so carried away. He was then the man that I respect and I didn’t wanted to loose that tenderness and love he showed me. He was there when I needed him, he was there when I just wanted to get out of my horrible life. He was there. So, can you blame me for being in love with him? No, it’s not love at all. It was a need. I grew dependent on him. All I wanted was to have his love much longer, even I know how it could hurt me.

Life has been so mean to me. All those troubles, all those hurts, sometimes I wonder how I can laugh or even smile. I thought I can cope with another hurt. Have you ever heard of this? When a person has been hurt so many times, he can absolutly ignored another hurt in his life. Well, that’s me. I thought I can ignore the hurt. But unfortunately, I can’t. Along those years, yes, years! I was able to settle down my heart. I am not hoping for him to carry me away and marry him. NO. I just wanted to be happy. For once in my life. But who am I kidding? I cried nights just imagining him with his wife, while I am sleeping alone in the darkness of my room. What have I done to deserve this? All I wanted just to be happy... to feel love when I need it. To feel how it’s like to be loved and needed at the same time. Even when I don’t feel the love I should have feel.

It was in the first month of this year, when I realise that I can not do this anymore. All those painful life should dissapear. I have to be stronger, for my own sake. And I did. I tried to hate him, tried to find some mistakes on him that would help me to forget him. You see, it was 2 whole years after I met him and this feeling to own him was getting stronger. Not love. Just wanting how its like to be owned and own what should be mine. I have realised that I couldn’t own him. No matter what I tried, no matter what I do. But I know deep down inside, that he was NOT the man I wanted to fill my whole life.

Oh, I tried for months. And still, I couldn’t forget him. He was still there, no matter how I tried. Then a friend told me it’s easier when I found someone else. For once, I listened to my friend. And perhaps, She was right. Perhaps it is easier. But how can I found someone else, when I know that I couldn’t feel love anymore?

Then one day, a guy sprung out of no where. He was a descent man. He has also been hurt in his life. We shared thoughts. We shared conversation. I tried to ignore him, because I couldn’t definitly used him to forget my last partner, right? And I did ignored him.

Luckily, a guy friend asked me to have a vacation with him. I barely knew him. But we have known each other for years, only by conversation and met two or three times. He was mature. And he didn’t want another relationship in his life. So there I was, spending ten whole days with him and his friend. Had a great time. Then my married partner thought I had sex with this mature guy. It was very annoying. There was it. I found something to hate him at last. The accusing, the disturbing words which came from his mouth, came through my heart. For once, I knew how to get rid of him. I got hurt by his words. Finally, I am through him. AT LAST.

Ah, the man I ignored? :) Well, he is still being nice to me. How can I ignore a nice guy? Would you? The longer I knew him, the more I couldn’t resist him. A man, once again, turn my world up side down. I don’t know when or how, or even when this will last. I am just a girl, who needed love and affection, and he was the man who can give me those. Even we once told eachother that we don’t want another love, we grew to like eachother. We still shared conversation that makes us doesn’t want to be far from each other. Then we knew, that this is love. Yep, after a while. I, once again, knew what love is. It took me ages to define love. But at least, this feeling was true. We started a commitment. We didn’t want to get hurt again. Not by the word L.O.V.E. So, we just agreed to take this feeling one step at the time, and enjoy it while we can. Oh, I know it’s just for weeks, but hey, perhaps I can hope again.

And you know what? I owe this to a friend of mine. A dear friend of mine, who never got tired of me. A girl who also been trying to find her own love. A girl who has so much similar life with me. Because she was right. It is easier to forget someone who hurts you by finding someone else. For once, I knew I was doing the right thing. Listening. Perhaps you should do the same.

Some people might say, I am a trouble maker, well, perhaps I am. Some people might say, I am a looser, well, perhaps I am. But I am lucky to have a friend like her. I am lucky to have friends to support me when I needed them to. You can not trade a friend for anything in the world. Not even gold or money, or even the planet world itself. I owe her that much.

As I was saying, I am blessed. Even how hard the life could be, even how you feel like you wanted to get out of this life, friends are all you have, eventually. Its hard to find a friend. That we know. Perhaps we have so many friends.. oh, perhaps your friends are a lot better than mine. But will they listen to you, or would you listen to them? Would they stick by your side when you needed a hand? My friends do. Thats why I am lucky. That’s why I grew stronger. People say you should choose your friends. No, they chose you to be their friends. That’s nature. I have only few friends in this world that I can call them “Friends”. Real friends. And I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world. Even if I have to sell my soul to the devil himself.

My friends kept me strong, they make me feel needed. And of course loved. Aren’t I lucky? :) And all I did was to listen. That isn’t hard to do, right? Perhaps you should try my advice. Listen harder to your friends. Then you could be their friends and have a wonderful life. Like mine. It will only take several minutes to listen. You don’t have to open your wallet to do it. As simple as that.

For my friends that has been there beside me, for all those years, Yes, YEARS, Thank you. You have brought sunshine to my world. And I love you for it.

SebuaH HarapaN

Aku telah lelah berjalan,
Mencari sesuatu yang indah,
Dan engkau begitu jauh,
Terpahat dalam imaginer,

Dan kini kau hadir,
Menjilat seluruh beranda hati,
Enyahkan sepi,
Hangatkan sanubari,
Tak tahu sampai kapan kunikmati ini
Berjalan melangkah bersamamu,
Tapaki jejak baru,

Aku ingin resapi ini,
Dengan sejuta rasa gelora
Tak ingin biarkan kau pergi,
Tergulung oleh ombak nan sejati...

Kapan kita tau rasa itu akan hadir? Gak akan, kan? Tiba-tiba aja, semua tentang dia begitu indah. Begitu semerbak *cieh*. Ini yang gue rasain sekarang. Gue puitis? Mungkin, tapi gak banyak yang tau yah? Terserah. Yang jelas, gue cuma pengen ini gak berakhir, gak tau sampe kapan. Semoga sih, selama mungkin. Semoga.

My Journey II

..... sorry, sempet terputus ceritanya..

Anyway, Esok harinya, kita jalan jalan ... Ke Kuta (lagi), Ke Kintamani ... I remember this place, although so long time ago.. Dan ternyata sepi... Tidak seramai dulu ... Bali tidak seramai dulu, walaupun masih seindah dulu..

setelah 3 hari muter muter... ternyata gue harus pulang.. back to the real world :) Sebelum pulang, kita nyempetin nongkrong di Kuta Beach, liat sunset.. dan gue iseng bikin body painting.. or.. well, temporary tatto.. Kupu-kupu.. Tadinya temen temen encourage me buat bikin yang permanen.. Oh please.. gue takut sama jarum.. mending ini aja lah.. :) sayangnya, terlalu "vulgar" untuk dipublish di sini.. bisa diprotes sama someone nanti :)

Uhm...

pendek ya ini blog? well.. sorry.. lagi gak mood lagi buat nulis.. hehehe.. :)

happy reading you guys..

HasiL foto foto :) with little details... hehahaha

Ini Pintu Gerbang Homestay... Bali banget... :) ehehe.. emang di Bali sih .. :)

Jelas banget kan, kenapa gue bilang perjalanannya worth to wait... tempatnya bagus banget...

sayangnya.. gue gak ada camera sendiri.. ini hasil jepretan teman gue yang dari Jepang itu ...










Yang ini, foto gue, di Pantai Kuta.. ergh, kalo di Bali, gue cuek pake baju kaya gini.. di Jakarta? Gak janjeeee.. :)





















<------- Yang ini adalah temen gue dari Jepang... :) Yuki namanya... di Pantai kuta..








Kolam renang Homestay Ubud..














Mirip !!!! :)

Sunset Kuta :)

My Journey.... 1

Rasanya udah lama banget gak pernah posting jalan-jalan.. Kali ini, setelah sekian lama gak jalan-jalan, seorang teman lama dari jauh, mengundang gue buat ke Jogja. Jogjakarta yang punya tempat tersendiri di hati gue.. Tempat yang punya banyak kenangan indah.. Tempat gue banyak teman ...

Setelah hampir 9 jam duduk manis di kereta api Taksaka yang ternyata tidak terlalu penuh, akhirnya gue menginjakkan kaki gue lagi di Stasiun Tugu Jogjakarta...
Teman gue yang sangat baik ini menjemput setelah gue minta waktu buat ngopi to refresh my brain...

Dari stasiun Tugu, kita headed ke kota kecil sebelah Timur Jogja tempat dia tinggal (sorry, gak bisa disebut kotanya, karena dia memang gak mau diketahui). Begitu gue nyampe sana.. waaahh.. :) rasanya seger banget.. banyak pohon dimana-mana... masih ada burung yang berkeciap ciap gitu.. dan satu lagi.. ada parit yang mengelilingi rumah dia yang di isi dengan ikan lele, nila, dan mbuh gak tau lagi apa... Tapi yang jelas, suasana "pedesaaan" itu ada..

Gue yang udah kelamaan gak pergi pergi ke daerah pedesaan, langsung norak.. Duduk di tepian jendela, menghirup teh dan mengisap rokok.. (sebetulnya sayang yah, suasana kaya gitu dicemari rokok, tapi ya sudah lah.. gak usah dibahas kebiasaan jelek gue ini) ...

Gue masih bisa liat kupu-kupu. OI sodara-sodara!!! Kupu-kupu!!! Dulu waktu gue masih kecil, di tempat tinggal gue Bintaro, kadang masih kelihatan ada kupu-kupu yang terbang-terbang gitu di lapangan bola seberang rumah gue.. Sekarang, lapangan kosong itu udah jadi bengkel ban yang gede... paling cuma bisa liat capung.. apa bagusnya capung? HuH.

Anyway, kupu-kupu itu masuk ke dalam rumah! duh, senangnya....

"Rumah ini abis kena gempa, jadi sorry kalau berantakan banget..."
Ah ya, masih inget kan, gempa yang menimpa Jogjakarta dan sekitarnya waktu bulan Mei 2006 yang lalu? Ya, walaupun rumah ini jauh banget dari Jogja, ternyata ya masih kena... gue jadi penasaran liat liat belakang rumah ini yang amit-amit gede banget... Kalo gue gak punya memori tajem, ni rumah bisa bikin gue tersesat...

Well, setelah 5 hari di Jogja dan di rumah itu, dia ngajak gue ke BALI. Bali sodara-sodara!!! Wah.. gue udah berapa lamaaaaaaaa gitu gak ke Bali.. Ya tentu aja gue gegap gempita dong...

Setelah penerbangan yang agak "kasar" dengan Wings Air, akhirnya kita nyampe di Denpasar... Wah, begitu nyampe di Denpasar, gue jadi lebih norak.. Ngeliat bule-bule yang bawa surfboard (cakep cakep, toloongggg) tapi kata temen gue ini, Bali jadi lebih sepi setelah adanya Bom di Jimbaran itu (rese emang tu para teroris edun) gara gara bom itu, pusat wisata and pusat bisnis jadi lebih sepi dari biasanya.

Walaupun gue ke Bali buat nemenin temen gue ini berbisnis, dia janji mau ngajak gue jalan-jalan. Kebetulan temen dia dari Jepang juga akan datang ke Bali besok harinya. Karena gue nyampe di Bali agak malam, eh, bukan agak, tapi emang malem. Jam 23.00 waktu setempat kayanya, jadi kita langsung ke penginapan.. erghh.. guys, gue pikir gue akan nginep di hotel berbintang.. (tempat yang biasa gue inepin kalo gue jalan-jalan pas lagi ada duit :D ) Tapi ternyata, temen gue ini maniak dengan pedesaan. Jadilah kita menginap di Ubud. Jauh dari Denpasar... Jujur aja, gue pikir kita akan nginep di daerah pantai.. Kuta atau Sanur.. Agak kecewa juga gue.. mana lama banget lagi, perjalanan.

Tapi begitu nyampe pagar homestay di Ubud.. Habis sudah rasa kecewa gue!! eh, tepatnya, Hilang!! Rasa penat yang selama perjalanan tadi itu, HIlang!!! Tempatnya bagus.. gak seperti hotel yang "dingin" dan penuh dengan formalitas, tempat ini "hangat dan kekeluargaan". Wah, gue langsung menyesal udah menduga yang enggak-enggak sama temen gue ini... :)

Gue masih bisa liat bintang.. dan kebetulan pas bulan purnama.... Oiiiii hare geneeee.. di Jakarta, liat bintang 5 biji aja dah seneng banget.. (tuh, kan norak...) Jadi, yang tadi gue capeknya minta ampun, begitu liat homestay ini .. ilang semua capeknya..

Setelah mandi sebentar, gue ke luar kamar... dan oh, kamarnya juga gede bener... Ada TV, AC kamar mandi dalem, ada dapur kecil... Tapi gue males lah nonton TV.. gue mending ke luar, liat bintang and bulan.. Suasananya jadi romantis banget.. gue jadi bayangin, seandainya ada seseorang yang nemenin gue... seseorang yang ... eh, jadi ngelantur..

Besoknya, matahari bersinar cerah.. *deuh* setelah nganter dia ke pengrajin2, kita ke Kuta... wah.. terus kita makan di "Warung Made" ... Ergh.. dicekokin makan Pork Satay.. and believe me.. enak banget.. tapi bagi yang emang sama sekali gak makan pork, lebih baik jangan makan di Warung Made, soalnya kan kita gak tau, apakah halal atau tidak.. :)

Terus, jalan jalan lagi... liat monumen Bom yang pertama... dan ternyata gak ada nama Orang Indonesianya... padahal, pasti ada beberapa yang meninggal di situ kena bom...

Uhm, malemnya, kita jemput temen dia dari Jepang.. Namanya Yuki.. jangan diplesetin, namanya beneran Yuki...

Besok harinya kita ke.... (to be continued...... )

Kan,
Kupahat senyummu di relung jurang dan gunung
di dermaga samudra : kekecewaan dan keangkuhan
pertarungan hidupku

Sebab segalanya sudah hanyut
di sungai-sungai nadiku
yang senantiasa berdenyut
atas napsu-napsuku : kita pernah berikrar!
dan kita punya prasasti kekal
terpahat,
di nisan
kuburan padang nurani : cinta!

Ah!

Gue seneng banget!! Ternyata Blog gue gak ilang.. :) gara gara lupa password, ada yang protes karna gue dah lama gak nulis. :) Oh well, mulai sekarang, gue bisa nulis lagi di sini, walaupun blog di Friendster masih ada, tapi emang restricted to my friends only. I never knew ternyata ada yang menikmati coretan-coretan gue di blog.

Buat Nuy, moga gak bingung lagi, blog yang ini masih bisa di akses. :) Tapi berhubung sekarang dah ngantuk gitu.. I have to go .. :) Pasti gue akan nulis nulis lagi di sini.. yakin deh!

Oh well,

Ini postingan pertama yah setelah beberapa lama.. :

Cintaku adalah wangi bunga-bunga
adalah sejuk gerimis musim pertama
Cintaku adalah silir angin yang lembut
yang segar menggosoki seluruh isi beranda...

Yap, after a while, I finally found someone who loves me that much, sampe gue harus duduk tenang untuk menikmati rasa ini.. Doain aja, semua berjalan lancar.. :)